How to Be a Queer Virgin

Anna Breslaw wrote an article on Jezebel entitled “How to Be a Virgin,” and while it’s a decent article, it’s written by a female-identified heterosexual for a female-identified heterosexual audience.  Read here:

And while there’s a dire lack of queer sex education, there’s an even larger lack of queer education that isn’t connected to sex.

The term “virgin” holds different connotations for different populations depending on their gender and/or sexual orientation, but being queer and being a virgin is particularly difficult in a society that upholds heterosexuality as the norm to the point of perpetuating aversion therapy.  No medical school training is required to perpetuate aversion therapy.  Simply constantly challenge anyone who asserts a non-heterosexual identity.  These challenges make it difficult to be queer and a virgin.  Here are two aversion therapy statements that exacerbate the identity of a queer individual.

1) “Well how do you know you’re queer (read any non-heterosexual identity) if you’ve never slept with anyone?”

What?  Did you realize you were straight by having a fuckfest?  That doesn’t sound healthy, particularly for individuals who aren’t provided with any sex education.

2) “You just haven’t met the right [insert morally and societally acceptable individual here].”

No.  That’s just encouraging promiscuity, which is a terrible idea for someone who has no sex ed and is questioning their identity.  Or someone who is certain of their queer identity but not ready to share themselves with someone else.

That idea also makes individuals susceptible to abusive relationships.  If the premise pushed upon someone who identifies as queer is that their identity isn’t legitimate, it makes individuals vulnerable to relationships where they’re comfortable being considered as less-than.

So my sexuality-questioning or queer-identified readers, you do not need to have sex to assert your identity.  You can be queer and a virgin.  Because being queer is not about sex.  Like being straight is not about sex.  Like being human is not about sex.  No one is only one aspect of their identity.

If you want to have sex, if you’ve thought about it and you’ve educated yourself (because no one else will), go for it.  But never have sex to prove something, especially to anyone else.


~ by thornfieldrose on December 20, 2012.

One Response to “How to Be a Queer Virgin”

  1. Well I haven’t read anything else on your blog, but of course you don’t need to have sex to know if you are gay or straight. Did someone say that you do?? They don’t know what they’re talking about. Children start developing crushes before they even reach puberty. I think they will know which gender they are attracted to! We don’t expect 10 years olds to start having sex “just to be sure”!

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